Feels Like Home to Me!

In answer to my prayers, the next four days in Michigan went better than I expected. I was able to see a few friends, spend some much needed time with the family and even purchased everything on my shopping list! I surprised a few people....ok, a bunch of people, including all my co-workers from my summer job. I enjoyed seeing the look on their faces when they first saw me and being able to reconnect with them.

My grandparents 50th Anniversary festivities went well. I chatted with many many people at their open house, including some I didn't know. This was how these conversations went:
Them: "Hi!" Me: "Hi! (??)" Them: "How are you?" Me: "I'm fine...and you?" Them: "Good! I'm ______, and you must be one of the grandkids/Kati." Me: "Oh...(??nodding my head up and down???)...ok. (the name never helped) Yes, I'm Kati." If I got lucky they would reply, "You probably don't remember me. I'm so and so's cousin, brother, friend, ect." That rarely happened; I just went along with it and pretended I knew who they were.

These people I did know! These are all of my relatives on my mom's side of the family.

The cousins- Lindsey, me, Codi, Taylor, Jessica, Dani and Collin. My little brothers aren't so little anymore!

I shared a little bit about my life in Haiti with the people that I came into contact with. It's a challenge to explain Haiti to those who have never been there. There aren't enough words or time to give an adequate explanation. I also found that a lot of people didn't even know where to begin with the questions related to my life. Then the only time it came up in conversation was if I brought it up. I don't blame them though. I had never known how to start up a conversation with missionaries or those living in foreign countries; I was clueless too before moving to Haiti. At the same time, it was frustrating because I am excited and passionate about my life in Haiti and I couldn't share that.

By day three I felt like I had never left the States. While I had been gone, the places and people didn't change all that much. Driving around, the memories flooded back of the things I used to do. I am amazed at how quickly I jumped back into things. I was focused on making the most of my time in America. It was taxing to think about Haiti. How does one connect the two worlds? While I was shopping in the grocery store I wasn't focused on prices, I was driving on smooth roads, we went to the bowling alley late one night (one rarely stays out that late in Haiti), I was surrounded by wealth not poverty. Living in America was second nature. The only reminders of Haiti were the differences. Yes, in my mind the differences were very evident. But they were triggered by little things throughout the day- flushing the toilet paper, brushing my teeth with tap water, not having to worry whether or not we had city power and if now was a good time to plug in my charging cords, walking out into the frigid weather.

After I returned to Haiti, there was one sad difference that I noticed. In her book, Kisses from Katie, Katie Davis perfectly captures what I am referring to. After living in Uganda for a time, she returns to the U.S. and struggles with being back:

"Not long after I arrived in the States, I poured out my heart about feeling like a stranger in my native land in my journal, and I came to a better understanding of why I felt I didn't belong there. 

     I have often wondered since reentering the United States why I feel such great culture shock. How can I feel such a disconnect with the place I was born, raised, and for eighteen years called home? How can I feel that my real home is a place in which I have spent just over a year? I have blamed it on many things. 

     American extravagance.

     The grocery store that almost sends me into panic mode due to the sheer quantity and variety of foods.

     People who build million-dollar homes. 

     The lack of understanding and lack of thanksgiving on the part of all of us.

     The ease with which we receive medical care. 

     The amount of stuff that just clutters our lives. 

     All these things make it difficult to readjust, yes. But what has been the biggest shock to my system, the huge disconnect, is that I have stepped out of my reliance on God to meet my needs. I "miss" Jesus. He hasn't disappeared, of course, but I feel so far from Him because my life is actually functioning without Him. By "functioning," I mean that if I am sick, I go to the drugstore or to the doctor. If I am hungry, I go to the grocery store. If I need to go somewhere, I get in my car. When I need some advice or guidance, I call my mom or go plop on my roommate's bed. If I want to feel happy, I get Brad, my little brother, or someone else to make me laugh. 

     I keep forgetting to ask God first to heal me, to fill me, to guide me, to rejoice with me. I have to set aside "time to pray" in the morning and at night instead of being in constant communication with Him. In Uganda, because I was so physically "poor," I was completely dependent on God and spiritually as wealthy as ever. As I sit here writing, I am frustrated with my own stupidity, my human willingness to step back into dependence on stuff and these places I swore I detested." 

God was missing from my life in America too. I didn't depend on Him to the extent that I depend upon Him here. In just those four days being home I had the unsettling feeling that something wasn't right. And it wasn't right. I didn't bring God into it. I was not aware of His presence and my need for Him like I am here in Haiti. It's the sad truth and I hate it.

You can imagine my joy when I returned to Haiti! I eagerly packed up my things and breezed through the airports. I was surrounded by Haitians as I waited at the gate in Fort Lauderdale. Though I still can't understand anything they are saying in French or Creole, I felt comfortable around them. Things began to feel familiar again. I am blessed by the insight of a friend who wrote me a nice note when she returned from her visit with me in Haiti. She wrote, "Kati, you fit perfectly in Haiti. I couldn't think of a better person to be doing what you are doing. I saw so many little confirmations that you are where God wants you to be... Seeing you in Haiti confirms that this is the right thing for you to do." For this season of my life I know that I am in the right place.

The bumpy chaotic roads, hot weather, and mess of people had never been as welcoming to me as it was upon my return to Haiti. For the next few hours, as I went about visiting and unpacking, I had a huge grin on my face. I walked by one little neighbor boy a couple of times and he finally looked at me and asked quizzically, "Are you happy?"  I was very very happy to be home :)

That wonderful joy quickly diminished as I chased a bug ugly cockroach around my room before bed that night. Such is life in Haiti!